You might be surprised that nobody seems able or willing to help you. This sad reality is built-in.

There will be times when you are in agony over why nobody will help you. Most people will deny that you are being harmed. You might even believe that what’s happening to you isn’t so bad. But it is so bad. Exploiting, threatening, coercing, and ignoring you is not OK. Even if the language they use is “polite,” it’s still harmful.

Most people don’t like to hear the word “abuse” applied to them or their colleagues. They are deep in the system of abuse, so they are not able to see it for what it is. They might be perpetuating the same abuses themselves. They might have watched abusive things happen for so long that they feel that it is normal—or even required.

You will likely become discouraged by this. It multiplies the pain you feel to have people deny that you have been hurt. It is necessary to recognize that this is another harm against you. You can “count it” as a part of the abuse, even if the people who are discouraging you are not “actively” abusing you.

Common ways that people will perpetuate abuse through discouraging you

You may hear things like the following:

• How do we really know that they are abusing you?
• It is their responsibility to criticize you
• We’ll need to see some numbers before we take action
• We can’t do anything about it unless more people come forward
• That doesn’t sound as bad as what happened to me
• I don’t think that counts as abuse

All of these are denial and diversion tactics. The reality is that if you feel abused, you probably are being abused. If not, it harms absolutely nobody to take action to investigate —if the investigation is carried out by non-abusive adults. There is no guarantee that this will ever happen, so even if they do agree to investigate, it may not be helpful.

All of these responses put the responsibility on you to point out the abuse that is happening to you. You do not have this responsibility. Rectifying the abuse is not your job. You may choose to ask for help in trying to stop being abused, or you may want to ask for reparations (money, etc.) but you do not have to fix your abusers. You can just know for yourself that they are abusive and let that guide your actions.

Abusers never change because they are confronted. They only change if and when they decide for themselves to stop abusing. They may never do this. Your only responsibility is to yourself.