Groups are great for teaching skills and providing community. Sometimes you need one-on-one help as well. No matter what, you want someone who is able to corroborate your experiences of harm—and healing.

There are many different types of therapists and coaches out there. You will likely need more than one. This can get expensive, so be judicious with your choices.

Don’t make the mistake of believing that therapists have the responsibilty for fixing you. They don’t and can’t fix people. The best they can do is provide a space for you to heal yourself. If they are not doing this, then they are not good therapists. If they claim to be able to heal you, they are lying to themselves and you. If they try to tell you what you are thinking or contradict your interpretation of events, they are missing the point of therapy.

First and foremost, a therapist’s job is to help you discover your own agency. They may do this by helping you tell your story, express your feelings, discover lost memories, or help you label and conceptualize your experiences. But the key word is “help.” They should never try to determine for you what your feelings or interpretations are. They should only guide and never hurt.

Each therapist is usually trained in a particular method or school of thought (see: the different kinds of therapists). You may find that a particular method works at some times, and not at others. That is why it is important not to think of your therapist as a saviour, but as one person who is helping you with one aspect of your life. Therefore, you may want to see multiple therapists for different aspects of your life. A good therapist will see the value in this. A bad one will try to be the only therapist in you life.

Similarly, you might find coaching to be more targeted to your particular problems. Just like with a therapist, you will know a good coach if they are helping you to achieve your goals without hurting you. Nothing good is achieved through pain, despite the constant “no pain no gain” messaging in our culture. Good things can only come from good things. If a coach is making you feel guilt, shame, or hurting your body, it is time for a new coach. A good coach will listen if they accidentally are causing you pain and help you amend the exercises to better suit you (even if they are not physical exercises).  A bad coach will become defensive and blame you for the pain you are experiencing and tell you to do the same thing more.